I haven’t written in a while, not because I’ve given up on blogging, but because, if I’m being honest, I feel suffocated by stress.
And that is all coming from work.
I have been really struggling with how unhappy I am at my job. It starts in the morning, when my 06:15 alarm goes off. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picked up my phone to start typing “I won’t be in today” to only erase it. Because somehow, not going to work has become more stressful than just going. I rush out the door, sit in my morning traffic, and here I am. Sitting at my desk again.
It’s become a constant battle in my head. So many questions, so many concerns, so many fears.
Could I afford to quit and dedicate real time to figuring out a new path?
But I have no idea what I want to do next.
Could I find just any other job, sure? But I want better for myself. Why trade one stress for another.
I’ve been here 11 years; it’s going to be difficult to start all over. Can I do it?
Is it really that bad, maybe I just need to stick it out and deal with it?
There are benefits, am I willing to potentially lose that?
Is the grass really greener on the other side?
I’m not happy.
I recite what I’ll say to my boss, as I drive home. I even run through practice interviews with myself. I just want to be prepared, if the day does come. It also feels therapeutic to say it out loud.
I spend over 2 hours in traffic each day (that adds to the stress for sure) and that gives me a lot of time to reflect on my day. A lot of time to think about my future.
I feel stuck.
I feel like it’s impossible to walk away from a steady paycheck and a flexible schedule. But on the other side, I feel like the stress is starting to infect my life beyond work.
I love going to my gym after work and yet I can barely go anymore. Stuck working late or too mentally drained to do it. And then I feel upset with myself for not going as much as I should or want to. I try to “suck it up”, but it’s so hard; it’s hard to be mentally drained and want to do anything besides go home.
Then I get home, and as much as I love my husband – after a long day, after a long week, I just don’t want to talk. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to do anything. I hate being like this, I hate feeling like this. I hate what it’s doing to my marriage. I hate that I am letting it consume me.
In my spare time, I’ve started to look for new job. I feel like I’ve read a million job descriptions. I’ve applied to some, but I’m trying to only apply for jobs that I feel would make me happy. I’m not sure I’ll find what I’m looking for, utilizing what feels like minutes each day.
There has to be something better, right?
I wish I was one of those people that had a passion and a dream for a particular profession. One of those people that love what they do and knows what to go after.
I don’t even know what I want.
I mean, this is life, I guess. Spending 10+ hours away from home, doing something that makes me unhappy for a paycheck and a chance to retire one day?
At what cost though.
And so I get through another day, I give all I have to work, I get it done, I get in my car, I sit in traffic, and I do it all again and again.